The way i feel.

The way it seems to me right now,
I'm just moving with the current,
I'm so empty even my breath is heavy,
I'm in an open cage but can't walk out
I'm  choking.
Standing here in the dark,
The darkness is so thick, i can cut a piece and eat ,
Once i drank yellow paint
Beacause it's yellow and yellow is a bright color,
I was tired of the dark and i needed to brighten up.

See I'm stuck here, i can't help but live with this toxicity
Yeah, I'm with it.
Even if they treat me badly, i know I've still got the attention
From these people ,
That they make hateful and mocking comments.
That's cause, I'm a center of attraction
Atleast they can laugh about something .
See what you don't know is, despite the toxicity of people,
Their presence gives us a sense of belonging,
And that, to sick people like i am, is  priceless.
Just belong somewhere.

The way i see it,
God made some of us, something for the weak sad souls to laugh at,
He didn't complete the equation .
We are the joke but who's the joke to us.
I'm in need of more than a miracle .
Please don't tell me to snap out of it,
I've tried many times
These scars are from the razors i use,
I only cut to try and feel alive.
When i see the blood flow,
I realize I'm alive .
And it takes my mind off the emotional pain,
All that i can think of is the fact that I'm bleeding ,
That's like my alibi from the pain.
I have goals and ambitions ,
I really want to achieve much.
I might wake up strong and want to push,
But as usual my anxiety comes at me with a rush
I just can't.
I've pushed away people,
People that are important to me.
Some of them fought for their stay
The others were happy the bad vibe came from me.
What people would never understand is; a sick person, actually needs you, even when they say "go away" or act like they don't need you. They actually do.

I'm sad from carry a heavy heart
I really do not want to kill myself
But i wouldn't mind a helping hand
As long as it facilitates death.
It won't be suicide and people won't judge me after my death
Saying "she'll burn in the fire of hell"
When they couldn't even reach out.

Nervous breakdowns;
This is like my everyday story, one minute I'm a bundle of laughter and the next I'm crashing like a pack of cards.
Spend the whole day laughing
And at night I'm crying in my bathroom.
It's a long hard process.

I remember someone said "pray"
Whoever told you I've not been praying?
We go to church,
And we pray.
Understand that God can do everything,
But this is a mental health issue
Not deliverance from witchcraft
Or some sort of evil.
My thoughts : medical issues should be taken far from the church, people should seek help and stop waiting for a miracle.

Don't ask me to get over it,
People don't get over what i feel,
The most you can do is chose to keep going ,
I've made that choice.
It isn't like I'm happy
Or I've snapped out of it.
I just chose to live in the pain
Waiting for the day
I'll rest from it.

       Ulueme Esther Uzezi